Well Here I Am

I sit here with freezing hands trying to type. Just walked the dog.

I have not had a coffee yet today so I am not sure what my brain is meant to be doing 🙂

I am not even sure why I started to post. Seems all a bit grey today. Been a bit flat I think, no reason, just plodding. Sometimes I feel like I have to have something to give to people when they say, “what have you been up to?” I hate the cliches – “oh nothing much” or “the usual” and the like. But so often I feel the need to prove something, my significance? My sister asked me on the phone the other night, “Have you been busy?” l felt a cultural pressure to say “oh yes, so very very busy!” But instead I said “nope, not at all, it’s good”. But why do I read some hidden lines in there that would be saying (not nec from my Sister but I mean cuture in gen) “Well you are not significant, you need to be busy, that make you important or at least makes you feel important, or makes me think you are important”

Then, the irony, when I am busy…I feel important! I feel I am making a difference.

The trick? I think the trick is to draw my significance from deeper places than work and being busy. I need to gain satisfaction from sitting, form learning, from reading, from chatting with people, from just being. So there is my deep “pre-coffee” thought for Thursday morning.